Ranma the Homicidal Maniac
by Fear Master
Summary: And the insanity quota just got upgraded...
1. And the saga begins

Disclaimer: I don't own this, neither do you, I have no money, SO PLEASE DON'T SUE!

Ranma the Homicidal Maniac

"Tatsumaki senpuu kyaku!" screamed our pigtailed hero, as he finished tenderizing his pork dinner...

Huh? What's this about? Well, it all started when...

(Insert wavy flashback lines....... HERE!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a great day in Nerima, Tokyo. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and no perverts were running rampant...

It was downright creepy, really.

"Muahahahahahaha..."

And it just got creepier.

****************

The sight was a grisly one, as Ryoga entered the Tendo Dojo, carrying Akane's lifeless body.

"Oh my! What happened to Akane?" screamed Kasumi.

At this, the lost boy just broke down and cried, "Sh-she's dead! Th-they killed her!"

Well, it was about this time that Soun came in, and yeah, you can guess that he was mighty pissed, to say the least. "Who did this?! Tell me! TELL ME!"

Now, as we all know, you rarely see Soun without his trusted friend, Genma. "Tendo, I think the spatula in her left wrist, the gymnastics ribbon around her neck, and the bonbori stuck through her right leg, just MIGHT be a possible clue as to the attackers' identity."

"..." Ranma was speechless, obviously. "..." this may take a while, folks.

****************

Well, the next few weeks were uneventful, what with Ranma in a coma, Ryoga constantly crying, Kasumi overdosing on prozac, Soun and Genma trying hard to figure out who the killers were, and Nabiki denying any relation to her father.

As we all know, it couldn't last long, and so it didn't.


	2. He's the one they call Dr Feelgood!

Disclaimer: Please, if I owned Ranma ½, would I be posting this on the internet?

Ranma the Homicidal Maniac

Chapter 1: He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood!

Welcome back! When we last left our intrepid heroes, they were in shock over the death of one of their own, Akane Tendo. Let's watch, shall we?

***

Nabiki sprang up with fire in her eyes, and shouted, "What is wrong with you people?!"

Now, I'm sure you couldn't ignore something like this, and so, neither could Genma and Soun.

"W-what? Is something wrong, Nabiki?" Soun started, but was quickly reduced to a wreck, because he was yelled at.

'ARGH! No, calm down. Must. Remain. CALM!' Nabiki told herself. "Now, let's review the facts, shall we? One," she held up a finger at this, "Akane is dead. Two, the weapons that killed her were found, still in her body."

"Yes, yes, where are you going with this?" Genma asked.

"Shut up! I'm still talking!"

Genma cringed back at this, and a mumbled "Yes ma'am" could be heard.

"Now where was I, oh yeah. Three! Said weapons found in said body of said Akane, consisted of a bonbori, a sharpened spatula, and a ribbon! Now, who do we know who uses those weapons?"

"Mousse?"

"No."

"Ryoga?"

Ryoga cried louder at this.

"No!"

"That demented Kuno boy?"

"NO!"

"Dr. Tofu?"

"NO! ARGH!"

Now, it would be kind of me to censor the upcoming scene, because it's too gruesome, but I won't!

Nabiki jumped at Genma, screaming in rage, and frothing at the mouth. She picked up the table, and smashed it over his head, with a nice, resounding crash. But it didn't stop there, oh no, not by a long shot. There was a sickening snap as she did a quick roundhouse to his right arm, a loud pop as she forcibly readjusted his left leg, and a nice, satisfying crunch, as she grabbed his hand and squeezed.

"ouchies."

***

A few hours later…

"Well, Mr. Saotome, the good news is, you'll be back up in no time, the bad news is, she might do this again." Dr. Tofu said.

Now, Kasumi came in, because I'm not about to give up such a PERFECT gag.

"K-Kasumi! Why, what a coincidence to meet you here, of all places!"

"Silly doctor, I live here!" Crack! "Oh my, what was that?"

Now I'm sure you've seen this done before, so you all know.

"W-what was what?" stammered poor Tofu.

"Oh, nothing! I must be hearing things."

Poor Genma.

***

"Ahem, now that I'm calm again, I'll tell you who killed Akane." Nabiki announced.

Soun and Genma were now on the edges of their seats, waiting to hear the answer.

"The culprits were Shampoo, Ukyo, and Kodachi!"

"W-wow! How d-did you guess?!" Genma exclaimed.

"Elementary, my dear p-panda! Their weapons gave them away!"

"Am-mazing! I never would have guessed!" Soun said, with his teeth chattering… "Brr! Kasumi, could you turn up the heat?"

"But father, it's July! We don't pay our heating bill in the summer! I can't."

Only Genma knew why it got so cold, so quickly, and quite frankly, it scared him.

Ranma was awake.

*********

Author's notes: WHOO! How's that for a cliffhanger! …Not much, is it? Yeah, it's pretty lame, isn't it? Oh well!

Well, this isn't my first fic, but it's the first fic that I've ever posted! A few notices, by the way. No, I don't hate Genma OR Soun. No, I don't think Kasumi is THAT clueless, hence the Prozac in the prologue. Yes, the fiancée's will die. No, I don't REALLY hate any of them other than Ukyo. Yes, I like Akane. And no, I'm not on crack.

Prologue note: Tatsumaki Senpuu Kyaku roughly means "Tornado Spinning Kick" and it's that flying spinning kick Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter 2 use. Yes, I know it's a bit redundant. Senpuu is pronounced sempuu, by the way.


	3. Dude Looks Like a Lady!

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The names of the characters have not been changed to protect the innocent, because there are no innocents. If you try any of this at home, you're a sick, sadistic bastard, and need to be put down. Now on with the fun!

Ranma the Homicidal Maniac!

Chapter 3: Dude Looks Like a Lady!

As we left our heroes, Ranma's newly dubbed "Soul of liquid nitrogen" technique was just created! Today we shall see the side effects!

***

Genma was afraid. Not a new thing, mind you, but the reason was definitely different.

Being the only coherent person present to have see the death of one arrogant phoenix demi-god from China, he was the only person with the ability to explain the sudden cold.

He would have, too, but for the sudden fact that he was about twenty miles away.

You see, it's a little known fact: Genma is not stupid. Now, I'm sure you're scratching your head and wondering about my sanity now, but don't worry, I'm still sane. Mostly.

Now as I was saying, Genma is not stupid. He simply likes ACTING like he is. You want proof? Crouch of the Wild Tiger. Umisenken. Yamasenken. 'Nuff said. You see, he raised Ranma, so he knows about his son's insane learning abilities. Mainly because he taught them to the boy.

So, being a witness of Saffron's death, he knew that the boy picked up on the Gekkaja's secret.

Which leads back to the reason for his running.

***

To say Ranma was angry would be an understatement. So would saying that he was in a murderous rage, really. Actually, there aren't words in this, or any other language, to describe his fury.

***

"Now why did Saotome run off?" Soun wondered.

Nabiki looked at Ranma, and followed Genma's example.

***

He was just THAT mad.

***

"Nabiki? I wonder what's wrong with her?" Soun puzzled.

Kasumi looked back, and the runners got another companion.

***

Which was understandable, really.

***

"Kasumi?" Soun was amazed. He'd never seen Kasumi run that fast.

Ryoga noticed something was amiss, so he looked back as well, and decided it was high time he took a nice, brisk run.

***

Ranma wasn't exactly angry that his other fiancées were the killers. He could deal with that.

***

"What's going on here?" Soun exclaimed, as he looked back, as well.

Nerima was treated to an incredible sight that day. 3 martial artists and 2 average citizens running at about 100 km/h, with no explosions chasing after them.

***

No, Ranma was angry because they showed no remorse!

***

The cries of "Ranchan," "Airen," and "Ranma-sama," were quickly replaced by cries of "Get your hands off of him, you hussy/peasant/bitch," which were themselves replaced by stares at a certain glowering amazon.

Now I'm sure, gentle readers, that you've realized that the fiancée brigade was firmly latched onto our favorite pigtailed martial artist. I'm also sure that you can realize the adverse effect this had on said martial artist.

I also believe you can realize that latching onto Ranma does not have the desired effect, which is being dragged to his room and fucked raw.

None of them expected what happened next.

Which is why cries of "What the hell?" were heard by the 3 flying figures after the dojo exploded, instead of the expected "ouch."

***

Ranma stood panting in the middle of the crater formerly known as the Tendo Dojo, with his arms hanging loosely at his sides, and gasped, "that, was a bad idea."

He fell down from exhaustion.

***

Author's notes: Whee! And another one bites the dust! If the light profanity in this chapter offended you, then you need to learn to tolerate such things! Well, as it is, I may run out of ideas for the spaces between violence scenes, so any ideas are welcome! I apologize that the chapters are so short, I'm not too good at description. Now on to a few review responses!

Nimbus Rey: My reasons for disliking Ukyo are simple. She is crazier than all the Kuno family COMBINED, has a worse temper than Ryoga, and is more blind to reality than Mousse! Crazy is proved by her quick change from blinding hate to obsessive love, temper by the fact that she chased a guy down for 10 YEARS just to kill him, and this further proves the crazy part, because she knew him for what, a month? And the blind to reality part? Just look at any of her dreams of her future with Ranma. No curses, martial arts crazies, demons, or any of the other things Ranma seems to attract. 

And I prefer Shampoo over Ukyo only because Shampoo/Ranma fics are so damn RARE, and therefore good for a change of pace.

DaimonHellstorm: No, it's not a crossover with Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. More of a Ranma parody of it. Hell, I might even have Ranma ask to be called Nma, or something.

Next time: Ranma kills somebody! Maybe.


	4. And another one bites the dust

Disclaimer: May cause dizziness, vomiting, and asthma attacks. Or maybe not.

Ranma the Homicidal Maniac!

Chapter 3: And Another One Bites the Dust.

When last we left our pigtailed friend, he was lying face down in the remains of the Tendo Dojo. What zany thing will he do next?!

***

Peaceful. Calm. Serene. Pick any one of these words, and you could describe exactly SQUAT in Nerima.

Well, except for that quaint little coffee shop a few blocks away from the bath house, but that's it.

I don't know why I mentioned those descriptive words in the first place, really…

Maybe I wanted to start off with a cheap gag…

I might have forgotten what I was writing for a few seconds…

I'm not sure.

Chaotic, crazy, or dangerous probably would have been better choices, really.

Yeah, I think I like those better.

Okay, let's try this again.

***

Chaotic. Crazy. Dangerous. Pick any one of these, and you could describe all of Nerima.

Except for that quaint little coffee shop I mentioned.

Which is hysterical, considering the name of said coffee shop.

It was also depressing to the shop's owner. Poor Kenji Kuno named his shop in hopes of attracting martial arts battles, which would in turn attract spectators to the battles, which would in turn cover the repair bills, and then some. 

You see, Kenji was a forward thinker. He knew when he set up a shop in Nerima, that he'd have to repair the building quite frequently. So why not profit off of the fights that caused the damage? It was brilliant! But he needed to come up with a name that would attract more battles…

So he named his little shop "The Dojo."

But the fights didn't come.

Kenji was a bit upset because of this. Even though he never had to do any repairs like all the surrounding shops. Even though he had probably the most successful coffee shop in the area. Even though he got peace and quiet!

Now, I'm sure you're all wondering, "What could be wrong with that?"

The problem was, Kenji thought the name of his shop was silly, now.

But he refused to change it. He was afraid that the name was the only thing keeping away the martial artists. Well, that's what he told people, anyway. He really just couldn't think up a better name.

But Kenji was happy today. There were some martial artists in his store! And not just ANY martial artists. No, they were three of the most famous in Nerima! And when martial artists get together in Nerima, fights start.

Now if only they would stop talking calmly and looking around nervously…

***

"Uncle Saotome, what the HELL was that?!" Surprisingly, this came from Kasumi.

The group was currently sitting in a corner booth of the quaint little coffee shop, looking to Genma for answers.

"Do you REALLY want an answer to that? Or need one?" Genma queried.

"Saotome, you WILL answer us… NOW." Soun calmly stated.

"Okay then, I'll tell you." Genma started, "That was Ranma, and he was mad. It also appears that he thought up a few new techniques, as he was wont to do before we came to Nerima."

That wasn't enough for Nabiki, though, so she kept pushing, "No, you're not done. That was MORE than just mad! What on earth is going on here?!"

"Fine, you want more? That was the anger of a thousand hells, the likes of which has never been seen before, and may never be seen again! That was the fury of a man who has met the killer of the one he loved most in the entire world, and found that the killer was happy about it! The rage of a man who will do anything, go through anybody, just so he can get his revenge! My son has just gone through the most intense pain you could ever feel!" Genma took a sip of his coffee to calm down, "That is something to fear, and an opportunity, perhaps."

At the blank stares, he continued, "Think about it, who has plagued this earth with their presence for too long? Who deserves to experience painfully slow death? Think of who you think is deserving of death, and point them at Ranma, with instructions that would anger him, and pray no innocents do it before them. We may be able to rid this world of many evils, and keep my son from hurting those that don't deserve it!"

At this, their faces lit up. Only problem was, who gets to die first?

"Whatta haul! Whatta haul!" Guess.

Four devious grins sprouted on four separate faces…

***

Ranma was walking down the street.

Nothing new, really.

The glowing was different, but nothing special.

The scowl on his face was scary, but again, nothing new.

But the scowl and the glow combined cleared the street quite nicely, anyways.

Which should have indicated to Happosai that trying to put a bra on him, now her, was a BAD idea…

***

With a splash, a rush of wind, and a cry of "Sweeto!", Happosai was happily nuzzled between Ranma's lingerie-clad breasts, much to her chagrin.

"Get. Off. Of. ME!" Ranma yelled.

"No. I like it here," responded the pervert.

Ranma was getting irritated by the pervert's groping, and attacked.

Happosai jumped off and exclaimed, "Ha! Too slow!"

Ranma fumed, tried again, and missed.

"You have to do better than that!"

Again and again, Ranma tried, but each time she'd come closer and closer to her target, until…

"Ouch! That hurt you ungrateful little punk!"

Ranma continued to attack with a fury that was beyond words, hitting harder each time.

"That's enough! Happodaikarin!" Happosai yelled as he threw a large firecracker at our hero.

With a loud smack, Ranma returned the firecracker, just before it exploded. As Happosai's charred body flew away, she chased after him, with malice in her eyes.

"Ugh," Happosai grunted as he hit the ground, "What's the matter, boy? Not going to gloat over your victory? Well? Speak up!"

"I'm not falling for it." Ranma said in a flat, emotionless voice, and continued her attack.

"Wait, what are you doing? I'm done! I've lost! Wait!"

Ranma ran up to the old masters body, and stomped his leg, creating a loud crack as it broke.

"AAAAGH! NO!"

The screams of pain and loud cracks were all that was heard for the next few minutes, as Ranma broke every bone in Happosai's body.

"W-why?" Was Happosai's last thought, as Ranma's fist caved in his skull, bringing sweet, merciful death.

A figure watched as Ranma stood over the bleeding pile of flesh that used to be Happosai, and quickly ran away to report what it saw.

***

Author's notes: Hey there! Sorry for the delay, but I've been a bit sidetracked with school and all. I keep making these chapters longer, and this one has almost 1,300 words! Yay for me! I must apologize to anybody who wanted Happosai to live, or wanted somebody else to die first. I also need to apologize for my mischaracterizations (Whoa, THAT'S a big word!) of several characters, was done strictly for humorous reasons, I assure you.

In other news, this fic is VERY hard to write! Amazing that something so seemingly simple, is so hard to do…

Yes, Kenji Kuno IS from the same family as principal Kuno. He's only sane because of pure dumb luck.

I need reviews! Comments, criticism, verbal attacks upon my person, flames, I want them ALL!

Next time: bunnies and kittens!

Later.


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